A Reminder of God’s Love

The other night God reminded me the extent of His love. I was praying for some comfort & guidance in a particular area, & sudddnly caught myself sounding a little whiny.  So I looked around at my blessings. All ways He’d already provided for me, & how incredible my life has been at his hand. 

I became overwhelmed with guilt in realization that I definitely didn’t deserve all these good gifts. My family, friends, protection, all the small things, the big things, careers, happiness, & a long 32yrs of health…then I thought...what I have I given Him? 

Whoa, I felt so unworthy. I felt like God had to be so disappointed in me since He’d given & given, & what had I really done to serve Him? Furthermore, I realized I’d definitely put some things God had been calling me to on hold, bc I was too busy with some of the wrong things. I thought of all the ways I’d failed him, how much I’d taken for granted, & how I haven’t followed through with things He’s patiently waited on me for. 

I felt sick thinking of what a “bad” child I’d been, & questioned how He could love someone who can make poor or selfish choices. I started doubting his love for me, & when I didn’t think I had it, it hurt. I cried out for Him to help me feel His love. 

A moment later my 5yr old came in & crawled into bed with me. Like many nights, she woke for potty & somehow ended up in my bed. Motherhood is a funny thing. No matter what we’re doing, children became our main focus & priority the moment they have even the most minute need. Even in the midst of a mental breakdown with God, I found all my own issues being pushed aside to focus on the little one snuggled up against me, already drifting back to sleep. 

I noticed how precious she looked in her little jammies & braids, & how I loved her so much it hurt my chest. Then, like most moms, I started thinking about how nice this moment was bc 70% of that day had been ROUGH. I’d been sick, she’d been cooped in the house for 3 days, & she had pushed every darn button I had that day! 

Most days the good out weighs the bad in parenting, & many a days my daughter is the object of all my joy...but this was a crap day in the world of parenting. And I remember asking myself  “why was it so hard today” after she’d gone to bed earlier. She’d been mean to brother, talked back, whined, & just made some poor choices that left her reward chart down to an embarrassingly low amount of stars. 

Again my mind started wandering...it went to, “am I good mom?” & ended at “did I show her enough love today despite her struggles?” I’d disciplined her a lot & told her she disappointed me, but even though I worried about her behavior & choices; I still loved her so freaking much! Even on the days she made bad choices. 

The reality of it is that she had been fresh, & I knew she deserved & needed the correction...but I also wanted to make sure she knew She wasn’t a bad kid. That I loved her even on her difficult days & was proud of her choices 90% of our days. So I woke her up & whispered these things in her ear. She half heard me & snuggled in closer as I took stock of the immense, unconditional love I had for her....

& boom it hit me!!! Out of nowhere, I realized that my Heavenly Father felt that, times a million for me! The connection was undeniable & not a bit coincidental. I realized He had sent that sleepy little girl to my room, he had led my thoughts to wonder all over like we moms do, & He had lovingly guided me back to Him. He answered my desperate plea from moments before of “God I don’t see how you can love me when I am so unworthy. When I am bad, when I make selfish choices, & when I lose sight of serving you with gratitude. But I want your love Lord, I desire it more than anything, & I don’t feel it right now. Please father, let me feel your love.” 

I seeked Him with my whole heart, & He heard my cry. He released me from the seed of doubt Satan planted, & showed me in the best earthly way possible to help me understand. My daughter is not perfect, & we’d had a particularly hard day together, but there was nothing she could do to lose my love. 

Gods love for us is even greater than what we are capable of. Because of our human limitations, the love we feel for our children is a mere whipser of the love God has for us. Loving my children gives me a glimpse of God’s heart towards His children, but does not compare. I know that’s hard for us moms to imagine, since we would do absolutely anything for our babies, but it’s true. God has given us family & the love we have for them to help us grasp His love, but His is still greater. I don’t know what I would do without that love in my life, & am forever grateful that his mercy is abundant & his love deep.