To My Mom Friends: I’d Be Lost Without You

I went out with some of my girlfriends last night, & I woke up so completely full of gratitude & happiness. With a pounding headache, but a full heart. I’m incredibly blessed to know women that I have so much fun with, but that also have such purpose in my life. When I walked in the door at 3:43am this morning I thought to myself how lucky I am to have girls like this in my life. When I woke up I realized how rare it is, which broke my heart for everyone who doesn’t.

If ya’ll don’t have women who make you better, who show up when you need someone, who cheer you on, & put you in check when you need it; you need to get some! Sure we could probably get through life without each other, but our lives our so enriched by leaning on each other, being there for each other, & making each other better.

So, find yourself some friends that wait to order even when you’re 40 mins late to the restaurant. Find yourself some friends that when you get together, all in one dinner, everyone builds each other up, celebrates each others highs, cries together over each others lows, joke with each other, make each other feel beautiful, laugh so hard we pee a little (babies ya’ll 🤷🏻‍♀️), & never leave you hanging on a hot mic despite a voice that makes even your toddler cringe at lullaby time.

To be clear, I have a lot of amazing friends who don’t live near me too. Girls I know I can call up anytime with a need & they would show up. These women, especially my best friend from middle school, mean everything to me, but when they are so far away you need local women too. If you aren’t lucky enough to have girls like mine in your life, GO FIND SOME!!! I’m not kidding, seriously go friend hunting! Join a gym, join a play group for your kid, join a moms group, a breastfeeding group, a yoga class, a story time, sign your kid up for every sport & sign yourself up as team mom! Or just walk into any coffee shop on a Wednesday afternoon, because that’s where you’ll find your people. The women who can’t survive the day without a cup of overpriced something topped with whipped cream & feeling guilty while indulging in the empty calories. Then talk to them! This really isn’t a hard concept, but for some reason so few master it. Put your phone away, ignore your whining child for two mins, & strike up conversation with another mom. I promise she’ll talk back, because trust me, she needs the adult interaction too. 

I made my first mom friend when my daughter was almost two, & I regret it taking me that long. I just started talking to this chick at the gym solely because I saw we had daughters the same age, & I was straight up desperate for a mom friend. So I forced her into some conversation, & then asked for her number to text her about a play date. A week later I asked if she wanted to grab drinks, yup just like a date haha, but we had so much fun, & we’re still good friends today. In fact I met more amazing women through her, including my best friend in the whole world.

Most importantly, when you find them, invest in them! Make seeing them a priority both for you & them. Carve out time to call/text/ or visit, & be real & honest with them. Don’t judge them, just be a friend. My closest, local group is made up of girls who are all so different! We have a lot in common, but we’re also very different from each other. We appreciate & value those differences & learn a lot from each other. So be open to hanging out with all people, not just the ones who shop where you shop, or the ones into the same activities as you.

Also, don’t count play dates as girl time. I do things regularly on the weekdays with my friends & our kids & I’ve got a secret, it’s NOT fun. It’s just totally not at all fun y’all! Quite honestly 90% of the time it sucks. I’m chasing my baby around, yelling at my toddler to stop arguing with her friends or to share, I’m kissing boo boos, opening snacks, cleaning messes, & dealing with meltdowns or tantrums. I mean I don’t know about y’all, but when I was a working mom I always had these visions of what being a sahm was like. I would sit at my desk & daydream about sleeping in late, cooking & eating a quiet breakfast together, & rolling out to the park for the kids to run off & play with their friends quietly while us moms sat on a bench talking, Starbuck cups in hand &
looking fabulous because we had all morning to get ready. 

Hahaha, boy was I dumb. Guess what y’all, that’s not reality. Reality is a lot harder & we barely get to talk to each other at play dates. We try. For some idiotic reason we continue to try despite it never really working out. We yell to each other from across the playground in our sweats & dirty buns, asking how life is while one of us takes the baby down the slide because they won’t go by themselves, & the other one pushes their toddler on the swing, & another yells “it’s not snack time!!! over & over to their whining child, while another consoles a crying kid because, well..who the hell knows why! Someone is just always crying for something as ridiculous as their shoe being untied. So make sure you see each other outside play dates. Let your hubby get some much needed one on one time with the kids, because it’s good for them, & you’ll be a better mom when you give yourself an outlet. 

Lastly, don’t close your circle! You were once that new mom on the outside, so bring that momma in! And not just for her, but for you too! Last night we went out to celebrate the birthday of one of our closest friends whom we only met in July. I’m not saying being super open with everyone or tell everyone your life story before you really know them. I have always valued & followed the quote by Socrates, “Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm & constant." Be cautious about the people you get close with, but don’t shut everyone out altogether just because you think you have enough friends. I barely knew Michelle when I invited her to a girls night & sleepover at my house several months back, but I knew she was fairly new to the area, & I had been that girl before so I wanted to include her. As we got to know her better, we realized what a beautiful soul she has, & we all feel infinitely blessed to have her in our lives & group now. My best advice to any momma reading this is, show up to the table at girls night, always have room for another girl, & never talk bad about one when they get up from the table. 

My husband is amazing. He’s supportive, & loving & involved, but he’s not a mom. No matter how great he is he will fail to relate to me on a lot of levels. He’s not a woman. He’s not hormonal. He’s never breastfeed a baby. He’s not worried about all the same things I am as a mother. He has a different role. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be clung too literally all day, to feel tiny hands on him all the time, to hear non stop whining, arguing, or crying. To read the same books over & over, to be pregnant, to deal with ALL the meltdowns, to potty train, & so much more. He’s just not a mom, & I’m not a dad. Likewise, I don’t know what’s it’s like to be the main provider, to deal with stress outside the home all day & come home to the demands of home life including piggy back rides on a soar back, & a crying baby impatiently awaiting his turn to be thrown in
the air & caught by his strong but tired arms. Life is hard no matter how great it is, & having people you can turn to & feel safe & loved by is crucial. Your spouse lives life with you, but they don’t live the same life as you. No matter how close you are, there are things you will never be able to understand about each other. Not to mention, what happens when you hit a rough patch?  

Photo cred: Michelle Holloway Photography

There’s a quote, “In life you’re either heading into a storm, going through a storm, or coming out of a storm,” & I believe this holds true for all marriages, especially these days when the enemy seems to be attacking marriage & tearing apart even some of the strongest families I’ve known. Friends are a vital aspect to life. I’m not talking about the chick who starts blabbering about your other friend the moment she leaves the table, or
the one who makes subtle digs at you to make herself feel better, or the one who never texts you back & is always too busy to invest your friendship. Don’t get me wrong, we can still be friends with those people so don’t quit on them too easily, because chances are they need friendship more than they realize. But you need at least one person who cares about you like a sister even if you have sister. I’m lucky enough to have several of them, but everyone needs at least one girl who they feel safe enough to be completely open & real with.

I met a couple of them at a time in my life when I didn’t even know how bad I needed friendship, but today I would be lost without them. In motherhood I’m literally never alone, & yet so often motherhood feels lonely. It’s isolating, demanding, exhausting, & just down right hard. So get yourself a friend like these ones & be that friend back. Because at some point you’ll need their hand to hold, shoulder to cry on, advice to lean on, or smile to get you through. Life brings stress, financial burdens, miscarriages, infertility, marriage troubles, cancers, parenting struggles, & all sorts of burdens we don’t understand. To that point it also brings, babies, adventures, triumphs, & all sorts of other joys that are that much greater when shared with people who love us. So to my friends, thank you for being such a big part of my life! To those of you who are missing this in your life, set a New Year resolution to actively make building friendships a priority in your life. Your future self will thank you & so will your future friends.