My daughter taught me an important parenting lesson the other night…
Lately I’ve been telling my husband I feel like I need to do something big w/her bc she’s been so amazing this past year. She went above & beyond to be helpful to our entire family while I spent the 1st 20wks of pregnancy sick, her empathy, patience, & willingness to serve our foster son even when it was hard for her brought us to tears, & her persistence & growth in math this year alone deserves a 👏
Sure she’s 9 & there were days I wanted to rip hair her out, but overall I’m continually impressed by the little lady God’s shaping her into. Subsequently, this hasn’t been my best year. Sickness & stress have been my anthems but wherever I fell short it seemed this little girl was working hard to step up & help while also showing me love ❤️
My girls’ love language is quality time & my momma heart knew she needed & deserved some. Normally I would plan a girls trip for us or at least a spa day or afternoon in Savannah doing all her favorite things…fancy tea times, expensive chocolates, trolly rides, & of course shopping…
Thing is w/the crazy year we’ve had-this kinda girl time wasn’t in the budget, & I found myself feeling guilty about it. I told myself she deserved it & needed it & put a mommy daughter day on the back burner till I could work it out.
She definitely did deserve it, but turns out she didn’t need it. All she needed was my time & undivided attention…
The other night she reminded me of this. I’d had a stressful day, Matt was running late, I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready & yelling at my son to close the back door when she danced in telling me we she was setting a spa day up for us.
I smiled & said “okay baby, maybe later” but inside cringed. All I wanted to do after dinner was ice my swollen feet & desensitize on the couch after the day I’d had. I certainly didn’t want to clean up whatever mess she was making in the bathroom or play pretend…
She kept coming in to ask me where things were & hand me spa coupons. I tried to hide my annoyance w/the interruptions but let it show when she continuously asked when I was coming. “Not now, making dinner”, “Now we need to eat”, “Can’t you see I’m cleaning the kitchen?!”, “I don’t know, I need to do this laundry!”
As I was folding a load of towels I looked up & saw her watching tv. Hours of setting up & inviting me & she’d clearly given up. She’d gotten the memo I wasn’t interested. My heart broke. I put the towels down & mustered some fake enthusiasm…”excuse me ma’am, where do I turn this spa coupon in?”
Her face lit up. “Really?you’re ready?!”
“Of course, been looking forward to it all day” I replied as she took my hand & led me to the bathroom.
She’d done it all, fancy wine glasses w/sparkling juice, sliced cucumbers,bathrobes hanging, candles lit,even some chocolates out. She’d worked hard & been so thoughtful. We put our robes on & she insisted on giving me “the pregnant lady foot massage.” Again, she knew my feet had been hurting & wanted to help.
The hormones kicked in but I managed to hold back the tears. Welling w/pride over my sweet daughters ❤️,servant attitude, & her budding gift of hospitality. I was also mad at myself for almost allowing the busyness of life & tiredness of my day ruin this for her & for me.
When someone goes out of their way to spend time w/you, talk to you, play w/you & show you that you’re important- your cup gets filled. This filled my cup & reminded me that it’s one of the most important things we can do for our kids. Both my husband & I have been pretty intentional in area & it’s sort of low key magical to see how we’ve modeled filling those cups w/loving attention & witness them doing it back to us or others.
But for all the times we get it right, we also get it wrong, & the other night I almost got it wrong. I almost crushed that budding heart for others & the thoughtfulness she’s growing. I almost drained her attention cup & left mine empty too. It required me to turn off my working brain & let go of completing tasks to spend time w/her. & yes, a lot of times it drains mine, but sometimes it fills it up too
So forgive yourself for not always being on point. Even parents who regularly fill their kids have moments of guilt & frustration. Tag your spouse or a grandparent in & take the time you need for yourself so you’ll be ready to start pouring into their cups again
When you do show up, talk to them like adults. If you want them to think & act mature then talk to them that way. It’s a great time to model purposeful listening skills, looking each other in the eye & being fully present in the conversation. Parenting is exhausting but it’s also the most important thing we’ll ever do & the reward is far greater than any sacrifice we make.
