My Standards Are Low: Just No One See Me Naked Today
It sounds so simple, & yet my expectations will more than likely, not be met. Yesterday I didn’t make it past 8am before my infuriated 5yr old burst in on me sitting on the toilet. Unfazed by my business, she demanded to know why Colton was served blueberries & she was given strawberries with her breakfast. What really concerned me though, was my response to her.
I calmly replied “Because I gave you blueberries yesterday, & you told me you didn’t like them, even though the day before you ate the entire pack of $6 organic blueberries that were supposed to last three days. Yesterday you cried literal tears when I asked you to eat blueberries, & I noted that as you ate them, you said several times “why can’t you buy strawberries or bananas? I love those.” So, I specifically bought & made sure to serve you strawberries this morning. You’re welcome honey. ”Her face softened a little as she recognized my logic & her defeat. I could see the words, “hmmmph, you win this time”, all over her smug face as she slowly turned & said, “Well, today I like blueberries, so I’m trading Colton my strawberries. He loves strawberries.” He doesn’t. Within seconds of her exit, I heard his anger erupt in a scream, the bowl hit the floor, & his helpless cries for me to come remedy the situation.
Deep breath. It’s 7:22am & all I want to do is use the dang bathroom, & I don’t know, maybe pull my underwear up in peace. I mean, come on! I woke up early, I dressed them, I made their breakfast, I put toddler songs on the speaker, I made sure they had their vitamins out, & their milk was the way they like it. I did all of these things perfectly. I thought of everything, so that I could have a few lousy minutes for an uninterrupted bathroom break & maybe some personal hygiene, like brushing my teeth & washing my face. I’ve already
surrendered to the fact that I won’t make it out of my own pajama’s till I have them deep in an activity well past 10am, but for the love of God, can I not get a minute to even meet my substandard goals?!! Deep breath. I tell myself there’s always tomorrow.
I go out to clean the slobber from the floor where the dog graciously ate the undesirable, $7 organic strawberries. And even while wiping up nasty drool, I looked at him & thought, “Koda (that’s the dog), I love you so much. You never complain. You never ask for anything, you never walk in on me naked, & I know you enjoyed those strawberries, so thanks bud. Then I looked back up at my ungrateful children, one crying & one shouting, “I told him not to throw food….” I tuned them out, looked back at Koda & thought, I remember
when it was just you & me bud, when I was cool & way more fun, & when no one threw toys at you or tried to ride you. Let’s runaway together. The sound of the highchair tray crashing to the floor brought me back to reality. Colton was growing impatient that I hadn’t picked him up or retrieved his blueberries from his sister yet. I snapped back into mom function, but couldn’t help wondering why I answered her the way I did when she walked in on me. Why didn’t I yell at her to get out, or tell her to wait till I came out? Why is it perfectly normal & acceptable for them to walk in on me changing, showering, or even going to the bathroom?!
Motherhood has given me so many wonderful things, but it’s also taken a lot away. Like my coolness, sobriety, composure, & apparently, now my modesty. I’ve had a room full of health professionals centered around my whooha, through two pregnancies & births, more professionals helping me nurse, & with babies that ate around the clock, pretty much all the women in my life have seen my boobs. Oh, & let’s not forget the Fedex guy, who came to my all glass door with me topless, feeding a baby just behind it. Scenarios that would have had me bright red & sweating a few years ago, but are now just a sarcastic, “We’ll that’s great.” And I don’t even seem to notice anymore when my kids tiptoe pass these customary boundaries! Hence, my bathroom response.
I used to love showering. I would hangout in the hot water, exfoliate my skin, wait the full five minutes before rinsing the conditioner out, & even have some profound thoughts in there. That was the before, ya’ll. Post motherhood, showering is a luxury you very, very rarely get to “enjoy”. In fact, you rarely get to do it at all some days. I haven’t showered today, but I did yesterday & it was the most stressful occasion of my week thus far. It would make sense to bathe while they nap, right?
If you suggested that, your not a mom, or you’re in a totally different stage than I am. If you are in the toddler/baby stage, you know that is literally the ONLY time to do ANYTHING other than keep the little humans alive, not fighting, & not destroying something. Anything more than that, such as educating or nourishing is extra, so pat yourself on the back if you’ve cultivated any of that today. Therefore, nothing for myself, even something as necessary as washing, happens during nap. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, working, answering the 12 text messages I’ve ignored all day, & more. Those are the sort of things reserved for the 60 minutes that are, naptime.
The other option is to shower at night, but then I feel gross all day. Plus, to be honest I don’t like to spend the little bit of uninterrupted time Matt & I get together after the kids go to bed, alone in the shower. And although I’m sure he’d willingly accompany me, sometimes you just want a shower, if ya know what I sayin. So I’ve showered with my kids, but I usually try to find something to entertain them, since well, I’m showering & I think
I’m entitled to a minute to be naked without an audience, right? Apparently not. I set them up with tv & snacks. Yes, it was 10am & I put Mother Goose Club on & left them with a giant tray of snacks before breakfast was even cleaned up. I also gave my son his favorite book that has little bubbles to snap, since it’s the only thing that seems to really interest him. This set up normally buys me 15 minutes, 20 if I’m lucky & they’re a little worn out. Not yesterday.
Apparently, my choice of snacks & show were not up to their standards, so it seemed I would be lowering mine for the day. As I’m bent over in my all glass shower, hastily shaving my legs, Kylie waltzes in to tell me she loves kittens. Cool, thanks for the update, can you get out? No such luck. The conversation ensues.
Kylie: “Why can’t we have a kitten?”
Me: “Because Mommy & Daddy are allergic & like dogs. Can you go on out till I’m done baby?”
Kylie: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Showering, can you go out & watch your brother, please?”
Kylie: “Are you shaving your legs? Does that take the hair off?”
Me: “Yes. I need you to get out now, please. I’ll be out in a minute.”
Kylie: “How come I can’t shave my legs?”
Me: “Because you don’t need to, not till you’re big. It’s not fun. Go on out now.”
Kylie: “Like how big? When I’m 6?
Me: “Oh my gosh, baby! You gotta get out. I’m sorry. I love you, but get away from me.”
Kylie: “Okay. I love you too. Hang on just let me get my toy” Opens shower door to get toy on shower floor.
Me: “What are you doing?! Get out!”
Look down to see her soaking wet, figure I may as well wash her hair at this point.
As I’m putting the shampoo in her hair, Colton wonders in, again unfazed, & sees the “fun.” He starts taking his own clothes off & saying “Wash. Showeee.” Defeat. Suddenly I’m sharing my space with the two of them who have now started fighting over the other showerhead & bucket. My rushed, but peaceful 15 minutes is now mayhem. Maybe tomorrow no one will see me naked. Maybe they’ll let me change, shower, & pee in private, but not today. If you have kids, know you are not alone in this struggle. If you don’t have kids, you’ve been warned…get good locks, remember to use them, lower your standards, & know that you won’t even meet those most days.