I’m Sorry I Lost It Yesterday, Pancakes

Whelp, it happened. Not even a full week into December, & I already had my first holiday, hot mess moment. In my defense, it was really a perfect storm with a Christmas party planned for the first weekend coming off hosting Thanksgiving, a wine tasting midweek, & a heavy dose of PMS making an entrance on the already most dreaded of days, the Monday after a holiday break. As much as I would like to make excuses for my actions, I know I went a little cookoo, & my poor family caught the brunt of it. Mostly, because they are to blame for much of my stress, ha, but also because I have a tendency to take on more than I can handle & lash out on my safe people. You know, the ones you know will love you no matter how crazy you go over the backpack that you’ve reminded them to hang up in the dang cubby three days a week for the last year & a half.  It’s amazing to have people that will always forgive you & not judge you for a momentary freak out, but man, shouldn’t these incredible people get the best of us?! Even more importantly, as ya’ll saw from my 4yr old’s vlog the other day (Lord help me), they mimic everything we do! Right now, I am her favorite person, the one she wants to be like, the one responsible for shaping her into the incredible woman that will go out into this world & bring goodess to it. Jeezalou ya’ll, that’s a crap ton of responsibility when you think about it, especially considering I just inadvertently murdered her fish, because I forgot to bring it in from the freezing porch the other week.

 I can take a lot. I love being busy & really do enjoy the chaos, however it can make me a little nutty on occasion. Every now & then, I go a little too far, take a little too much on my plate that I already traded in for a platter long ago, & suddenly I’m yelling, taking a trash bag to the playroom, & threatening to never wash a single item for my husband again if he continues to hang clothes on the bathroom tub that is literally 6 steps from the hamper. Should my family listen to me? Yes. Could they help out a little more? heck yes! Would I be a little more grounded if I learned to say no to things & lowered my standards a little? Duh, yes! But, here’s the thing, my family isn’t perfect no matter how perfect we look in pictures. Nope, sometimes my husband is oblivious to my needs, sometimes my children are most defiantly selfish & needy, & I’m most certainly not as organized & flawless as we all wish we were. That being said, we’re still pretty awesome, & we love each other a whole lot. We all fail each other in a lot of ways everyday, but we also do so much right for each other everyday. There’s no one who makes me happy & takes care of me like my husband, & my babies have such good hearts & complete me in everyway. This is why they don’t deserve my meltdown to drip all over them, even if they understand why I’m losing it.

When I do finally break, it comes out in one of two ways- either I start crying mid whatever I’m doing & immediately drop it to retreat to my closet. I’ve found that my closet is actually the only place in the house I can’t even hear the muffled sound of the chaos awaiting me. I have literally put a crying child down & left a mess, or somethin else for my husband to figure out so I can take a much needed minute. Usually I end up sitting on the floor of my walk-in for a five minute cry followed by five minutes of staring off in space before pulling it together. Then I go back out to pick up where I left off like nothing happened. And then there’s the other way… the one that although it happens way less often, is still unacceptable. Sometimes when I’ve run myself ragged, or am just seemingly failing at all angles, & can’t handle one more issue, I lose my sh**. Like bad. This is what happened last night. I yelled, I slammed the dishes in the dishwasher, I even threw out a few words sure to knock me off Santa’s nice list. Luckily, most of them were under my breath, & my family members had already coward a safe distance away from me so, I don’t think they heard them. I played the martyr. I got mad, & I stayed mad for a while. When I calmed down though, I ended up more mad at myself than anything or anyone else.

I was ashamed about setting a negative example for my toddler on how to deal with issues & conflict. I regretted taking out the stress & demand of being a work from home mom on my husband, whose own day was full of stress & demands outside of our home. It’s easy to resent him a little sometimes since he gets a lunch break, & gets to use his brain to its full compacity since there’s no crying baby clinging to his leg or a toddler interrupting every thought or conversation with a “mommy,” every thirteen seconds.  He gets to work in peace, whereas the only peace & quiet I get results in the cleanup of markers on something markers don’t belong on the nightmare poop story you heard on video the other week.

Just because his work is different, doesn’t mean it’s not hard, & he’s still an amazing partner no matter how many hairs I have to clean from his side of the vanity. Last nights reflection was all the worse since during my meltdown, he just kept quiet & let me have my moment. He didn’t yell back or put me in my place. He let me lose it, because he loves me & understood that I had a really hard day. He showed me grace when I was raging, even though he would have been right to tell me I was being cray. It is amazing how many verses there are throughout the Bible that speak of having control of our tongues, & that hasty words are often quite foolish. Obviously, the Lord knew we would struggle with this, but we still need to understand how important it is for us to control our words & actions. I regularly pray for God to guide my heart in knowing when to bite my tongue & how to keep my emotions in check, but I’m human & I failed yesterday.

photo cred.: themodernmary.com

So learn from me, because let me tell you friends, anger breeds anger! When I have a meltdown in my closet it’s over in ten minutes. Then I’m back out with my family doing whatever I need to in a better mood without any family members cowering in fear. When I lose it & start yelling, I actually feel myself getting angrier than I was, & suddenly my daughters crying in her bed begging to come out, my son & husband are hiding from my wrath somewhere, & even the dog won’t come near me. All this over…a picture, a jello cup, & a dirty shirt last night. Now, instead of ten minutes, the blow up lasted a lot longer, & I found myself sitting on the couch alone, feeling like the worst mom & wife on the planet. (welcome to the rollercoaster of PMS). The guilt set in & I knew I needed to own my actions, as well as show my children humility & responsibility.

Kylie of course woke up early & had to come help me in the kitchen

So, I started by apologizing to Matt, which he very sweetly accepted & made me feel completely not crazy, even justifying my psycho for me, ha. Then I went & stood in my sweet boys doorway, looking at his beautiful, innocent, sleeping face, thinking-he probably thinks I’m nuts. Then I really felt like crap when I went in my girls room to kiss her head & scoop her up to bring in her in my bed with me. Then I laid in bed for thirty minutes feeling awful after everyone else was asleep, & made the decision to get up early for an apology breakfast. Hopefully you’re more of a Proverbs woman than Lost in the Lowcountry woman, but if not & you lose it on anyone this holiday, season check out my pancake recipe under the “recipes” tab. Apparently nothing smooths things over like whipped cream slathered on pancakes for my crew. I got festive with it for the sake of the big guy, & hopefully making it back on his nice list before the 24th, because this momma needs all of these scout & cellar gift sets I can get!